Valentine Schmalentine

I really really REALLY dislike Valentine's Day. And its not because I'm not romantic or that I don't have a romantic boyfriend.

Today's concept of Valentine's Day is much different from the legendary origins of St. Valentine. If I may borrow a description from the History Channel:

One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men -- his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.

Now that is what romance is all about.

Today, consumerism has hit fever pitch and it makes a mockery of the legend of St. Valentine. Ads are pitched in such a way as to play people off against each other, to compete for who can be the most 'romantic' by buying the most roses, chocolates, teddy bears, lingerie and Hallmark cards.

I saw a Hallmark ad last night actually, where with the purchase of three or more Hallmark Valentine cards, you could purchase a Hallmark teddy bear that holds a heart shaped box with six chocolates inside, for only $9.95. Are the three cards meant to be given to one person? In which case does that mean that you love them three times more than another person loves their significant other? Is it considered tight-fisted to stop at only one card these days? Or are you meant to give them to three different people, in which case....what happens if the the three people find out about each other? And who do you give the bear to?

Two years ago I spent Valentine's day evening with my friend Mable*, because her boyfriend was away on business, and mine was living in a different hemisphere. It was a Friday night, and therefore people were expected to go all out with expressions of love, including spending a ton of money of dinner. So we decided to get a bunch of girls together and go have a night out together, no boys allowed. When I got to Mable's house, she was ecstatic because she had received a very large wooden box filled with roses, chocolates, a huge card, a bottle of sparkling wine, and even a vase for the roses. I was happy that she was happy, but it wouldn't have made me happy. Another one of our friends who was there, Cindy*, started asking me what I had got for Valentine's day (as if it were Halloween and all about who can fill the pillow case with the most candy). Bryan and I had discussed our feelings re: Valentine's Day and agreed that we didn't believe in it, and so had done nothing more romantic than talk on the phone across the world. I told Cindy that I had received nothing for Valentine's Day, and attempted to qualify that by saying that I didn't expect or want anything for Valentine's day. But it was clear to me by Cindy's reaction ("Ohhhhh. well that's nice too"), that she had made a value judgement that Mable had a better relationship than I did, because the box of roses had clearly cost more than my phone call from Canada. Obviously, since Mable's boyfriend was away on business, there wasn't an opportunity for them to do something romantic in person, but I felt that the point of the gesture had been missed, and a little saddened that someone could so easily decide the worthiness of a relationship based upon material goods.

I consider Bryan and myself to be a very romantic couple, although we don't express it with Hallmark. Its not like Bryan never gives me flowers or cards. But he doesn't do it on Valentine's day, he does it when the moment calls for such a gesture. Like when I arrived in Vancouver 18 months ago to live with him (having not seen him for 7 months), and when I was in Sydney for a few weeks and we didn't see each other, and whenever I go away to a conference. And the cards are always homemade.

But I know a number of people who would get upset or depressed if their boyfriend/girlfriend did not come through with a gesture of 'romance' that is up to the standard that the consumerism has led them to believe is the measure of true love. Just to clarify, it is NOT romantic when your boyfriend/girlfriend feels under pressure (on pain of break-up) to purchase a gift for Valentine's day. It is NOT romantic when you receive the exact same message in a card that thousands of other people had in their cards, because everyone relies on Hallmark to be romantic for them. Cards, chocolates, roses, teddy bears, lingerie, do not equate to love or romance.

So how will Bryan and I be spending this evening? We will cook dinner like we do every night, and we will go to a movie, as we frequently do on Monday nights (its only $4 on Mondays). We will probably hold hands as we walk to the movies, as we often do. Maybe, just maybe, we will buy a chocolate brownie to share when we get to the movies, as we have been known to do one or two times before. And I will think of no better way to spend the evening or anyone I would rather spend it with.

* Names changed, because I love my friends, and I don't want them to get mad at me.

Update, February 17, 2005:
While I have made it clear how I feel about today's concept of Valentine's day, it is not my intention to diss the right of anyone else to enjoy it. I am not implying that anyone who gives or receives Valentine's gifts is unromantic in doing so. My point is simply, that Valentine's Day means very little to me, and I choose to dismiss it. I hope everyone had a very happy February 14th.