Your Essential Guide to Surviving Baz Luhrmann's `Australia'

From Cinetopia, Jim Schembri, November 28, 2008

You've been hearing about it for over a year. You've read the stories, seen the ads, watched the interviews, downloaded the promos, heard the gossip - but now the moment of truth has arrived. It's finally time for you to join your fellow citizens and dutifully file into the nearest multiplex to bear witness to the epic cinematic masterpiece that is definitely not Baz Luhrmann's Australia.

To help you through the ordeal here is a quick checklist of items to take in with you:

A Handful of No Doz: That first hour can be really tough to get through. These should help perk you up.

Large Oriental Hand Fan: In the camp-fire scene where Hugh Jackman pulls off his shirt to reveal the kind of ripped torso you usually see only in high-end gay porn you're going to need some air circulation quick smart to keep you from swooning.

Small Plastic Beach Bucket: To catch any drool resulting from the same scene.

Keep Reading

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BXVI getting down with the times

"Young friend, God and his people expect much from u because u have within you the Fathers supreme gift: the Spirit of Jesus - BXVI."

Text message sent by Pope Benedict XVI to subscribing pilgrims on World Youth Day, July 15 2008. Reported in The Age.

Look I have no problem with technology being used in this way. But seriously, couldn't he have written "you" instead of "u". I'm not personally filled with "the Father's supreme gift" (at least, not knowingly), but I really think it detracts from the sentiment by writing it in txtspk.


Update, July 16th:
"The Holy Spirit gave the Apostles and gives u the power boldly 2 proclaim that Christ is risen! - BXVI."

Same deal. Look, if P.Ben* is going to go to all of the trouble to capitalise his Holy Spirits, Apostles, and Christ's, would it really be that much more trouble to write 'you' and 'to'? I'm just saying.

*He's in no position to complain about abbreviations under the circumstances!

Heck if he were my kid I'd...

Slap his stupid yellow sunglasses off!

Update:
The public has spoken. As I write this more than 414,000 people have slapped Corey. You can too.

Gossip mag posts correction

At last, a tabloid that's not afraid to admit when it got its facts wrong.

CORRECTION: PEOPLE.com's Nov. 12 report on the London premiere of Beowulf inaccurately stated that Angelina Jolie's pants split on the red carpet. This report was based on photos and newspaper reports showing what appeared to be a split seam. Jolie's stylist says it was a zipper and the pants did not, in fact, split. She wore them home after the premiere. PEOPLE.com regrets the error.

However, much as I enjoy seeing a tabloid grudgingly apologise for making stuff up bending the truth, this revelation has RUINED MY LIFE!

Prior to this correction, I was overjoyed that someone so skinny and lusted over as Angie could split her pants, just like ordinary everyday muffin-topped people. But now I am distraught. I wish they'd just kept quiet and allowed me to continue in the false belief that I things in common with her (and, ergo, that Brad Pitt may one day want to adopt babies with me).

No, but seriously, does anyone else feel that this is the funniest correction in the print media, like ever?

Good to see that Canadian news is covering this.

Frankly, it was ridiculous of Australian police not to have been expecting the Chaser boys to pull a stunt like this - I mean, even I was expecting it! Also good to see that Alexander Downer has kept a sense of humour about it, despite the fact that it has made Australian security measures look about as effective as chicken wire. I can't wait to see the show next week!



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Aussie comedy troupe rides 'Canadian' motorcade through APEC summit security

Published: Thursday, September 6, 2007 | 10:29 AM ET

Canadian Press

SYDNEY, Australia (AP) - Members of an Australian TV comedy show, one dressed as Osama bin Laden, drove a Canadian-flagged motorcade through two security checkpoints Thursday before being stopped near the hotel where President George W. Bush is staying.

The stunt embarrassed Sydney police who have imposed the tightest security measures in city history for a summit of leaders from Pacific Rim countries, including Bush and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, who arrived Thursday.

Police arrested 11 cast and crew from the TV program, "The Chaser's War on Everything," and impounded three vehicles, the Australian Broadcasting Corp., which airs the show, said on its website.

Cast members put together a sham motorcade, hiring two motorcycles and three large cars on which they put Canadian flags.

Police waved the motorcade through two checkpoints before pulling it over near the Intercontinental Hotel where Bush is staying.

Cast member Chas Licciardello got out of the car dressed in a white tunic and cap and wearing a long fake Osama bin Laden-style beard.

"No particular reason we chose Canada," cast member Chris Taylor was quoted as saying on the Sydney Morning Herald's Web site.

"We just thought they'd be a country who the cops wouldn't scrutinize too closely, and who feasibly would only have three cars in their motorcade - as opposed to the 20 or so gas guzzlers that Bush has brought with him."

All 11 were charged under new laws passed a month ago with entering a restricted APEC area, a police statement said.

They were released on bail and are to appear in court next month. Each faces a potential six-month jail sentence.

Bush is a frequent target of "the Chaser," as are Australian politicians. Foreign Minister Alexander Downer said the stunt proved security was working.

"Whatever you think of the humour of 'the Chaser,' the honest truth is they were clearly not going to harm anybody in a physical way," Downer said.

"They presumably were, as is the nature of their show, aiming to humiliate a lot of well-known people."

Little things (its what makes this blog tick)

I've had nothing big to post about for a while, just a few items to put on the news bulletin. So here they are.

This past weekend was the Queen's Birthday holiday weekend for most states in Australia (WA celebrates this event in October for some reason). Most people in Melbourne had Monday off work. But not me. Or Bryan. We work for Monash University, and they do not recognize many non-religious public holidays. This is to prevent disruption to classes - if half of the students taking a course have a lab or tutorial cancelled because it falls on a holiday then they are at a disadvantage to those students in the course who have their class later in the week. It makes sense, but it still sucks to have to work on a holiday. Its not all bad though, we get awarded 1 ⅔ days off for every public holiday we work, which we can take over Christmas, giving us almost 2 weeks off at Christmas without taking any annual leave. But the whole system makes little difference to me, because I work on a campus that doesn't actually hold any classes, but we still have to follow the rules. At least Bryan and I are in the same situation- it would really suck if I had to go to work on a holiday, while Bryan stayed at home.

I just spent $100 on postage for wedding invitations, which is more than it cost us to make the invitations (not that you'd know it to look at them, they are clas-sy!). I am a little shocked at spending that much on stamps, but I should have expected it since 90% of the invites were going international.

I had a cold about 6 weeks ago, which was horrible for about 5 days but was bearable after that providing I didn't leave home without putting some tissues in my pocket. Well it hasn't really improved since that blowing-nose-every-5-minutes stage. I still can't go anywhere without tissues. But this morning I felt like it might be regressing back into the sore throat and slightly congested stage. Which sucks.

And while I'm whining about the state of my health, that fun run I did a few weeks back was a big mistake. I've got plantar fasciitis in my right foot and shin splints in my left leg. That means that walking any significant distance is off limits (it's lucky I like cycling).

My sister has been poised to give birth to her first baby for about the last 3 weeks and it still hasn't happened. The edge of my seat is getting worn out from me sitting on it all this time.

If I hear one more word about Paris Hilton and her freaking jail sentence, I may just hurt somebody. Just kidding, I'm loving it! The whole being sent home from jail because of a "life-threatening" skin rash, and then being sent right back kicking and screaming "Mom, its not right" was pure gold! Now she's a changed woman and wants to work for charities, bless her.

A little more on Steve Irwin

I've found myself getting a bit caught up in the media coverage of Steve Irwin's death. Its not that I was a huge fan and not that I didn't like him either..to be honest I was a bit indifferent towards him. I guess its just sad to see anyone die prematurely like that. Anyway, some of the best coverage I've seen is from Andrew Denton's interviews with Steve, and with both Steve and his wife, Terri. They show another side to the Crocodile Hunters than that that most people would have seen on TV.

That is all.

A sad loss for Australia

I think he was more widely known outside of Australia than he was to Australians, but Steve Irwin, who died today, was an Australian legend nonetheless.

Truly delusional

Here's a headline that just caught my attention: "Karr wants Depp for movie role". That's right, it seems that John Mark Karr, the guy who wishes he was the killer of 6 year old JonBenet Ramsey, wants a movie made about himself and JonBenet, with Johnny Depp in the lead role. Ha! Apparently Johnny's people haven't responded, and I'm pretty certain they won't. Which is a shame because Karr reckons the movie could rake in a billion dollars. I think Billy Ray Cyrus might be a more appropriate in the role actually.

Its all BS to me

Not two weeks ago, Britney Spears was weeping on TV about how the media wouldn't leave her alone.

Now this:


It ain't helping her case, s'all I'm sayin'.
Britney dear, if you're reading this, here's a hint:

If you don't want media attention, stay away from people with cameras. Especially when you forgot to put your bathrobe on!

To be blunt, its beauty is gone

The Boston Globe
June 20, 2006

THEY have sworn off playing it in Britain and Australian radio listeners are learning to loathe it. James Blunt himself has called You're Beautiful "the most overplayed record of the year".

But the song has shown no signs of slowing its tender rampage. Now, with a selection of parodies circulating on the internet, You're Beautiful has concluded the five stages of pop hitdom: "Hey, what's that new song?"; "I love that new song!"; "Oh, you just discovered that song? I heard that song months ago!"; "Why won't they stop playing that song!"; and finally, "Wow, have you heard the hilarious spoof of that song?"

Here's a sampling:

”Beautiful”: A Parody by Kevin Sage


Do you want this video for your MySpace, blog, or website? CLICK HERE!
Visit The Official Kevin Sage MySpace Page
Visit www.kevinsage.com

Actor-writer-director Kevin Sage gets Kinks-y with his video spoof She Was Beautiful … I Swear! (www.kevinsage.com). In his version, Sage meets what he thinks is a beautiful woman until he gets, um, him home. As he sheds his clothes (a la Blunt in the original video), Sage gets increasingly desperate, trying to convince the viewer that "she was beautiful, I swear" - Adam's apple notwithstanding.

In You're Pitiful, stalwart parodist "Weird Al" Yankovic mocks a sci-fi geek with lines like "you've never had a date, that you couldn't inflate". Like most of the Beautiful spoofs, he makes fun of Blunt's seemingly mistimed early entry into the song. If nothing else, it proves Yankovic (www.weirdal.com) still has pretty good pipes.

The website Stereogum (www.stereogum.com/archives/ 002721.html) is one place to hear My Cubicle, a depressing workplace take in which a vocalist laments "my job is stupid/ my day's a bore/ inside this office/ from 8-4". With a killjoy boss lurking as he empties his in-tray, surfs the net and, presumably, dreamed up this ditty, the singer vents his despair at "my cubicle, it's one of 62".

Pause for thought

When the big disaster hits, its going to be up to K-Fed to repopulate the earth.

Ick!

Now the bloody Aussies are making spoof tourism ads

Thanks to Sieu for drawing my attention to this hilarious Spoof Australia Tourism Ad.
Just so you know, it may not necessarily be work-safe due to 'language' and 'adult themes'.


The ad was made by a guy called Dan Ilic in response to all the offense the original ad caused the UK, Canada and the USA. Incidently, the UK has lifted its ban on the ad now, and is airing it uncensored, after realising that Britons aren't offended by the word 'bloody' after all.

Further to my post a few days back...

Here's the bloody offensive advertisement. And I quite like it, so there!

Now the bloody Yanks are offended

March 23, 2006

A major conservative American lobby group is set to unleash a campaign of protest against Australian tourism's "where the bloody hell are you?" TV advertisement.

The controversial commercial has made its US debut in front of 20 million American TV viewers and one influential group was not amused.

The American Family Association (AFA), which has more than two million members and leads campaigns against abortion and gay rights, was upset with the bikini-clad model Lara Bingle's use of "bloody" and "hell" in the ad's tagline.

AFA members are expected to bombard Tourism Australia with thousands of emails and phone calls in coming weeks to vent their feelings.

Members are also expected to boycott Australia as a holiday destination.

"I just feel pretty sure the typical American family who is watching TV with their children and they're exposed to this ad are going to be upset," AFA director of special projects, Randy Sharp, said.

"I don't want my children to hear that phrase.

"It's a shocking phrase because we're not familiar with it.

"I guess they use it all the time in Australia, but it's a foreign language here so I think it'll have a negative impact rather than positive."

However, Tourism Australia was not worried by the prospect of an AFA campaign, a spokesman said.

The ad's North American target market was well-educated, high-earning, widely travelled people from Canada and the US west coast, the Tourism Australia spokesman said.

"And I think we have the right campaign to do the job," he said.

"The popular series Commander-in Chief runs in all US states and features a character called Nathan 'Bloody Hell' Templeton, so it's a term understood by Americans."

Research in the US showed the ad's target market "enjoyed its humour and took it in the way it was intended", the spokesman said.

The original uncut version of the ad had been downloaded from the Internet in 85 per cent of the world's countries, he said.

British TV authorities dropped a ban on the use of the word "bloody" after pressure from Australia, but now Canadian authorities are unhappy with the way the ad portrays beer drinking.

Tourism Australia launched the ad in the US with a 30-second spot during the hit TV series Lost, which draws around 20 million American viewers each week.

The ad also aired on some of America's most-watched cable TV channels, including Rupert Murdoch's FOX News, the popular A&E channel, TNT, TBS, Fine Living and the home improvement network, HGTV.

The ad has not upset America's broadcast regulator, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC), but all it takes is for one viewer complaint for the FCC to launch an investigation.

FCC spokesperson Rebecca Fisher said she was unaware of any complaints.

The Mississippi-based AFA's campaigns have had enormous lobbying success in the US.

Last year the group called on its members to file formal complaints against US TV network CBS for a "teenage orgy scene" depicted in Australian actor Anthony LaPaglia's hit TV series, Without A Trace.

The FCC last week fined more than 100 CBS affiliate stations $US3.6 million ($A5 million) for airing the orgy scene.

The AFA website congratulates its members on the campaign with a "You did it!" headline and a link to send the FCC a thank-you message.

The AFA is also calling on its members to lobby Pizza Hut to ban a "sexually suggestive" ad featuring pop princess Jessica Simpson, in which she feeds food into a teenager's mouth, causing the boy to faint.

Sharp said he enjoyed the Tourism Australia ad until the end when Bingle asks "where the bloody hell are you?"

"When you think 'bloody' in America you think the red liquid that flows from human bodies which is usually a sign of some kind of violence," Sharp said.

Tourism Australia contact details will be made available to AFA members.

"They will hear from a lot of our members who are going to be insulted," Sharp said.

"Australians are spending all of these millions of dollars inviting us, and if we go over there are we going to be exposing our kids to foul language and images of bloody?

"We don't want our kids to hear the term 'bloody'.

"We certainly don't want our kids to hear profanity."

AAP

British censors balked at 'bloody,' while CBC had a problem with 'hell'

From the Globe and Mail, March 21 2006

CBC quibbles with risqué Australia ad

Keith McArthur, Marketing Reporter

If it's not the bloody, it's the hell.

When British censors banned a controversial Tourism Australia ad campaign this month, they did so because it used the word "bloody" in the question: "So where the bloody hell are you?"

Now the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation says it won't run the ad during family programming because of the word "hell."

"It just shows you the different taste levels of audiences in various cultures," said CBC spokeswoman Ruth Ellen Soles.

" 'Hell' is a problem for us in terms of kids and family viewing. It comes under the category of 'taste' and in these situations we listen to what our audience tells us."

Britain's Broadcasting Advertising Clearance Centre initially ordered Tourism Australia to edit the word "bloody" out of its ads, but the ban was lifted over the weekend.

Tourism Australia also plans to air the ad in Canada. Last week, it submitted the commercials to the CBC and to Telecaster, which screens commercials before they appear on Canada's private broadcasters.

The CBC said the ad can run with the vast majority of its content, but not on the two programs it characterizes as "family" programming: Be The Creature and The Wonderful World of Disney,

which air late Sunday afternoon. And it won't be allowed in family Easter specials.

"We've also told the agency that we'll be monitoring audience reaction and if we get a significant number of complaints, we'll rethink running it," Ms. Soles said.

The head of Telecaster said that although it has approved the ads, it will flag them to make sure individual broadcasters know they contain objectionable language.

"Those are words that we would generally have problems with. They're on our list of bad words because we don't want kids picking up on that," said Jim Patterson, president and chief executive officer of the Television Bureau of Canada, which runs Telecaster.

But Mr. Patterson said Telecaster doesn't have any problem with the phrase in the context of the commercial.

The ad shows a sequence of vignettes in which various Australians tell potential tourists how they've prepared the country for their arrival: "We've poured you a beer," "We've shampooed the camel," and "We've saved you a spot on the beach."

A bikini-clad model then asks potential tourists: "So where the bloody hell are you?"

"The idea is that this is the way Australians talk to each other when they have a barbecue. . . ." said Luke Jones, director of Canada for Tourism Australia.

"That's kind of the invitation we wanted to extend to our visitors as well."

Mr. Jones said Tourism Australia has doubled its marketing budget in Canada. He said the "bloody hell" ads will likely run in Canada later this month or in April.

A major marketing campaign, involving print and Internet advertising, will run next fall when Canadians are planning their winter vacations.

Should Canadians be offended by the slightly risqué phrase, they can complain to Advertising Standards Canada (ASC), which monitors advertising through a complaints-driven process.

"If we got a complaint we would certainly look at what kind of program and the time that the ad was running. If it was adult programming after 9 or 10 p.m., it might be looked at differently than if it was something earlier in the evening when families typically watch shows together," said Janet Feasby, a vice-president with ASC.

Tourism Australia plans to use the "bloody hell" slogan everywhere except Singapore, where local laws required it to be replaced with "Where are you?"

Australian Tourism Minister Fran Bailey initially rejected suggestions that the "bloody" phrase would offend some potential viewers, calling it "the great Australian adjective."

And Prime Minister John Howard was on the defensive because the campaign came weeks after he criticized the use of foul language on television.

"I think it is a colloquialism. It's not a word that is seen quite in the same category as other words that nobody ought to use in public or in the media or in advertisements," he said last month.

"I think watching that young girl walking up the beach . . . is a very attractive image and I don't think people will see that is in any way bad mannered; quite the reverse."

The campaign

Tourism Australia is using TV and print ads to ask potential visitors: "So where the bloody hell are you?"

The payoff

The controversy has led to millions of dollars worth of press coverage for the campaign, as thousands of Brits went to wherethebloodyhellareyou.com to see the banned ad.

The reaction

Australia: At home, critics said the risqué Australian slang could confuse foreigners more used to Paul Hogan's invitation to "throw another shrimp on the barbie."

Britain: Britain's television advertising regulator initially banned the ad because it used the term "bloody." The ban was lifted this weekend.

Canada: Canadian broadcasters say they will air the ad, but the CBC won't let it run during family programming because of the word "hell."

Weapons of mass destruction

Dick Cheney can count himself bloody lucky that Harry Whittington did not die (although he's been on shaky ground at times) as a result of Dick shooting him in a "hunting accident". If Mr. Whittington had died either directly from the shooting, or from the heart attack he suffered 3 days later, what would have happened to Cheney? I'm guessing nothing. Mr. Bush is apparently "satisfied" with Dick's explanation of events, but I'm very concerned at the Administrations' blasé attitude.
Yes, Dick has become even more of a joke throughout the world than he was previously; example (as heard by me, mere seconds ago, on Nova 969 Sydney following a Tupac song) "Yeah, poor Tupac, he's not with us anymore. He went hunting with Dick Cheney and never came back".
But not one person or reporter that I know of (correct me if I'm wrong) has suggested that hunting and/or gun laws need to change to minimise the number of people being shot by their hunting mates, or anyone for that matter.
How about some *real* gun licensing laws for starters. Maybe if Walmart weren't selling guns and ammunition to convicted criminals...I don't know, seems like a good place to start. Walmart have altered their gun-sale policies slightly now, which caused locals to rush out and grab up all the guns they could find in case of a shortage. Really, there's something wrong with the logic circuits there.
Australia really tightened up their gun laws very soon after the 1996 Port Arthur Massacre in Tasmania, where 35 people were killed and 18 were injured by a single person. There was big grumbling about the reforms at the time as I recall, mostly from gun-owners who were going to have to store their guns in secure gun-cabinets rather than on the coffee table or under their pillows. But the legislation went through, and Australia is now a mucher safer place to live.

Update Feb 18 2006: Oh good, Harry Whittington has *finally* apologised to Dick Cheney for allowing himself to be shot: "My family and I are deeply sorry for everything Vice-President Cheney and his family have had to deal with," he said. "We hope that he will continue to come and seek the relaxation that he deserves." The apology was long overdue, but I guess he had trouble speaking with all those pellets lodged in his face. No really, do you think someone paid Harry to be nice about this?

Its just about Greedy Corporate CEO Appreciation Day again!

Well I had a big rant about it last year, and I'm not going to do it again. Oh, who am I kidding? Ok, all I'm going to say is that the consumerism and media crapola surrounding St. Valentine's Day not only makes me feel very unromantic, but shows that the true meaning of Valentine's Day has been lost (although according to Wikipedia, details are pretty sketchy on what it meant in the first place). Did you know that Valentine's Day cards make up 25 % of holiday card sales, while Mother's day makes up only 4 % of sales? There's something wrong with that. [Note to self: don't forget to make Mum a card on Mother's day]

Speaking of Mum, she would love it if Dad were the romantic type but long since gave up on the possibility of Champagne and roses on V-day (don't worry, she gets them on plenty of other occasions). This year she decided to celebrate some of the sweatshop mass-manufactured crap available for misguided twits to sink their cash into, and bought this beautiful symbol of her undying love for my Dad. Oh, I hope I didn't ruin the surprise Dad.

"Just squeeze the pillow to hear these two sing [Sonny and Cher's] 'I Got You Babe!' This plush set is not only decorative; it's entertainingly animated as well."

But my favourite thing about this stunning symbol of love is that it can be bought as a bulk pack of 8! My prediction is that Molly is going to growl at it and then tear it to pieces within minutes, which is probably a good thing. Good doggy! Having said that, let me be clear, lest Mum misunderstand what I write about her; although my Mum does tend towards liking attention on such holidays as Valentine's day and Mother's day, she would much rather spend those days with her rather globally dispersed family than receive crappy meaningless gifts ordered over the internet.

Now, if you're still looking for the perfect way to show your feelings, check out Anti-Valentine, where a range of e-cards are available, all of which demonstrate the true sentiment of Valentines Day (or VD, or as they prefer to call it). Here are some examples:


And finally, here's my nomination for Quote of the Day, from Salma Hayek (as read in the Sydney Morning Herald)
"I am suspicious of those who have to let the world know how much they love each other. It's a little sad when you have to brag about how much you love someone. That kind of declaration doesn't always reflect the moment of truth between two people who care deeply for each other. When that truth is there, you don't need others to know it. And when somebody truly loves you, you don't even need him or her to be affectionate. Affection is fantastic, but it doesn't necessarily mean there's love - and the public display of affection is often just a show."

A New Years Thankyou to everyone who forwards emails to me

I didn't write this. I was emailed this and similar forwards recently (sniff... sniff! Yes I can smell irony).

***

To all my friends who care, thank you!

Thank you!!!

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can of soda I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually AlQaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks for always correcting me with "gotchas" from "Snoops" who knows it all. Thanks to you, I am totally in the know.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Harry Potter fever

As the entire world is surely aware, the sixth installment in the Harry Potter series (or Harry Popo, as dear Rhonda refers to it) was officially released at midnight last night.
Just a few blocks from our house is a store called Kidsbooks that went all out in preparation for the big event. They even installed a beautiful Harry Potter themed mural across their shopfront.

Yesterday morning as I walked by Kidsbooks to catch my bus to work I noticed a tent pitched on the sidewalk outside Kidsbooks, and a few people sitting around in chairs. I realised then that J.K. Rowling was about to become much much richer than she already is.

After a dinner party at our house last night to celebrate Rhonda's birthday, we decided to wander down to Kidsbooks to see what was going on. There were cars parked all the way up our street, and several TV news crews were hanging around. We could hear the crowd before we could see it. Then we saw it - hundreds and hundreds of little kids (and some brave parents too) dressed up like it was Halloween. It was only 11:15 p.m. at this point - so it was going to be a long night at Kidsbooks!

We walked on for a few blocks and were met with a group of five dressed-up, musical instrument playing, marching people. Behind them were three trucks bearing "Owl Post" logos, heading towards Kidsbooks. No doubt they were the carriers of the long awaited books. There were tight security measures put in place to prevent unauthorised copying of the book, but the drivers of these Owl Post trucks didn't look too serious - they just looked as if they were enjoying the spotlight. At the rear of the delivery motorcade, was a motorbike ridden by Hagrid.

Rhonda had ordered her copy of Harry Popo at a different bookstore a few blocks further on, so we went on to that store and found it rather quiet. But that's ok, we picked up the books just a few minutes after midnight and went off home to bed. I bet there are some grumpy Kidsbooks patrons around today - up for most of the night to buy the book, and the rest of the night to read it.