The President we just didn't have to have

From The Age, January 6, 2009
Frank Rich

How could someone so slight inflict so much damage?

WE LIKE our failed presidents to be Shakespearean, or at least large enough to inspire Oscar-worthy performances from magnificent tragedians like Frank Langella. So here, too, George W. Bush has let us down. He is not a memorable villain so much as a sometimes affable second banana whom Josh Brolin and Will Ferrell can nail without breaking a sweat. He's the reckless Yalie Tom Buchanan, not Gatsby. He is smaller than life.

The last poll on Bush's presidency found that 79 per cent of Americans will not miss him after he leaves the White House. He is being forgotten already, even if he's not yet gone. You start to pity him until you remember how vast the wreckage is. It stretches from the Middle East to Wall Street to Main Street and even into the heavens, which have been a haven for toxins under his passive stewardship.

The discrepancy between the grandeur of the failure and the stature of the man is a puzzlement.

The one indisputable talent of his White House was its ability to create and sell propaganda both to the public and the press. Now that bag of tricks is empty as well. Bush's first and last photo-ops in Iraq could serve as bookends to his entire tenure.

On Thanksgiving weekend 2003, even as the Iraqi insurgency was spiralling, his secret trip to the war zone was a PR slam-dunk. The photo of the beaming commander-in-chief bearing a super-sized decorative turkey for the troops was designed to make every front page and newscast in the country, and it did.

Five years later, in what was intended as a farewell victory lap to show off Iraq's improved post-surge security, Bush was reduced to ducking shoes. He tried to spin the ruckus as another victory for his Administration's program of democracy promotion. "That's what people do in a free society," he said.

Bush remained oblivious to each and every pratfall on his watch. Iraq burned, New Orleans flooded — and Americans essentially stopped listening to him after hurricane Katrina hit in 2005, but he still doesn't grasp the finality of their defection.

Lately he's promised not to steal the spotlight from Barack Obama once he's in retirement — as if he could do so by any act short of running naked through downtown Dallas. The latest CNN poll finds that only one-third of his fellow citizens want him to play a post-presidency role in public life.

Bush is equally blind to the collapse of his propaganda machinery. Though no one is listening, he has given more exit interviews than either Clinton or Reagan did.

Another, far more elaborate example of legacy spin can be downloaded from the White House website: a booklet recounting "highlights" of the Administration's "accomplishments and results". With big type, much white space, children's-book-like trivia boxes titled "Did You Know?" and lots of colour photos of the Bushes posing with blacks and troops, this document is the literary correlative to "Mission Accomplished": Bush kept America safe (provided his presidency began on September 12, 2001); he gave America record economic growth (provided his presidency ended in December 2007); he vanquished all the leading al-Qaeda terrorists (if you don't count the leaders bin Laden and al-Zawahri); he gave Afghanistan a thriving "market economy" (if you count its opium trade) and a "democratically elected president" (presiding over a corrupt government); he supported elections in Pakistan (after propping up Pervez Musharraf past the point of no return).

If this is the best case that even Bush and his handlers can make for his achievements, you wonder why they bothered. The audacity of its hype helps clear up the mystery of how someone so slight could inflict so much damage. So do his many print and television exit interviews. The man who emerges is a narcissist with no self-awareness whatsoever.

The president who famously couldn't name a single mistake of his presidency at a press conference in 2004 still can't.

He can, however, blame everyone else. Asked if he feels any responsibility for the economic meltdown, Bush says: "People will realise a lot of the decisions that were made on Wall Street took place over a decade or so, before I arrived." Asked if the 2008 election was a repudiation of his Administration, he says "it was a repudiation of Republicans".

"The attacks of September the 11th came out of nowhere," he said in another interview, as if he hadn't ignored frantic intelligence warnings that summer of an al-Qaeda attack. But it was an "intelligence failure", not his relentless invocation of patently fictitious "mushroom clouds", that sped us into Iraq.

The crowning personality tic revealed by Bush's final propaganda push is his bottomless capacity for self-pity. "I was a wartime president, and war is very exhausting," he told C-Span.

With this level of self-regard, it's no wonder that Bush could remain undeterred as he drove the country off a cliff. The smugness is reinforced not just by his history as the entitled scion of one of America's aristocratic dynasties but also by his conviction that his every action is blessed from on high. Asked last month by an interviewer what he has learned from his time in office, he replied: "I've learned that God is good. All the time." Once again he is shifting the blame. This presidency was not about Him. Bush failed because in the end it was all about him.

Ghost Bikes

You may or may not know that I have become an avid cycling commuter over the last 5 years or so. This is not just because I don't own a car - if I did have one, I probably wouldn't use it to get to work. It turns out that once I had invested in a half decent, comfortable bike, that I actually quite enjoyed cycling, and arrived at work feeling like I had already achieved something for the day. Cycling to work in Vancouver was fantastic and very rarely did I miss an opportunity, even in the snow.

However, since moving to Melbourne 2 years ago I have become sufficiently concerned by the attitude and arrogance of Melbourne drivers to cyclists, that I find myself cycling less often now. This is despite Melbourne's supposedly excellent cycling infrastructure - you can put a bike lane in, but cars will just use it for overtaking, and beep at any cyclists that get in their way (to make a glaring generalisation). What wouldn't I give for Copenhagen style bike lanes?

Cyclists are frequently injured or killed on the roads, too often due to motorists' lapse in concentration and judgement. Of great concern, recently there have been two incidents in Australia (that I know of) of motorists purposefully ploughing into a pack of cyclists. And while it is well known that the 'safety in numbers' approach to cycling does help to reduce the risk of injury on the road, it is very difficult to convince people to cycle when they are understandably concerned about safety.

But what attempts are being made to change perceptions of cycling and cyclists?

The Victoria Police recently released a Google maps application that pinpoints the locations of all Victorian road fatalities, including an alarming number of cyclists. However, I am not clear how this will help, other than to highlight cycling black spots to those who choose to look at the application.

Advocacy group Bicycle Victoria provides a variety of services for members and non-members, including organising cycling events for all ages and abilities, lobbying local and state governments to improve cycling infrastructure, providing advice on safe cycling routes, the rights and responsibilities of road users, how to deal with aggressive drivers, etc. I am a member of BV.

Another approach, that I first heard about only yesterday, is Ghost bikes. Ghost bikes are art installations of sorts serving as memorials to cyclists killed on the road. They are typically old disused bikes, stripped of parts, painted white with a plaque bearing the cyclist's name, and locked to a fixed point at or near the site of the crash site. Ghost bikes have appeared in at least 68 cities around the world, and yesterday a ghost bike 'appeared' in Melbourne. So I went to see it:


This ghost bike was placed in honour of Carolyn Rawlins, a 32 year old solicitor who was cycling to work through the Melbourne CBD on October 14th 2008, before being struck and killed by a tour bus. Sadly, she was 12 weeks pregnant at the time. Sadder still, her husband only found out about her death when he read about it online.

Whether or not ghost bikes do any good is debatable. While they act as striking reminders of the dangers that cyclists face, they may also serve to scare off potential cyclists.

What is critical is that cycling conditions be improved so that cyclists will feel safe. This in turn will facilitate an attitude shift among all road users, to further improve conditions for everyone. For me the bottom line is, more cyclists on the road means less cars on the road. This should improve traffic conditions for everyone, not to mention the obvious environmental and health benefits.

Now please stop bugging me about how much dairy I eat

I have white flecks on my fingernails. Lots of them. There is never a time when all of my fingernails are fleck-free. I am currently sporting 12 white flecks on my fingernails, where my right thumb nail is the only one that is fleck-free. But most of these flecks are quite small so I consider that their current status is quite mild as this condition goes. I have been *suffering* from flecky nails for as long as I can remember.

(Those aren't my fingernails by the way. Just a photo I found on the interwebs)

People (who in all honesty, really aren't qualified to comment) tell me it is due to a calcium deficiency or a zinc deficiency. While I wonder why people can't make up their mind if its calcium or zinc deficiency that causes the flecks, I can say with certainty that neither is a problem for me. My diet is loaded with both calcium and zinc and always has been.

I tell these people that it is actually because I am clumsy and am always bashing my nails on things. The flecks are due to air bubbles forming in the nail bed as a result of the mild trauma from getting my fingers trapped in the cutlery drawer. But few people believe me, such is the magnitude of this common misconception.

In fact after some further investigation, I have discovered that this condition is known as Leuconychia, which is described here as being:

evident as white lines or spots in the nail plate and may be caused by tiny bubbles of air that are trapped in the nail plate layers due to trauma. This condition may be hereditary and no treatment is required as the spots will grow out with the nail plate.

Ah, its also hereditary. This makes sense, as my Dad has flecky nails too.

And...we learned something today!

I hate you Fate!!

As I was climbing on to my bicycle this morning, ready to head off on the 12 km trip to work, I said to Bryan, "I think the rain will hold for a couple of hours yet". Obviously, it started raining 10 minutes later and I got soaked. That's fate for you, and I mentally rapped myself over the knuckles for tempting her as the rain trickled down my neck.

But I said absolutely nothing about flat tyres as I was leaving the house! Not a whisper. I clearly did not say "Gosh, its been ages since I last had a flat tyre", or "How much would it suck to get a flat tyre in the rain?" But a flat tyre I got, and I had to walk the last few blocks in the rain. How could you do that to me, Fate? You suck!

Oh dear, I've angered her. I'm probably going to get struck by lightning now.

This might explain why I haven't been doing much on my own blog lately

Heck if he were my kid I'd...

Slap his stupid yellow sunglasses off!

Update:
The public has spoken. As I write this more than 414,000 people have slapped Corey. You can too.

The most ridiculous probably non-spam email I've ever received

I received an email yesterday in my old UBC account that I don't really use anymore. The email came from a guy named Kallum at a University of Guelph email address. Here's what the email said:

Good Day Ms. Kidd,

I've been trying to find a research article for a friend but have so far been unsuccessful at my university and others. Access to the journal Nature Clinical Practice Urology seems to be very elusive, but the UBC library appears to have it. I was wondering if you've some spare time and are willing, if you could please download the pdf file of the article and email to me.

Library link: http://gw2jh3xr2c.search.serialssolutions.com/?V=1.0&L=GW2JH3XR2 C&S=AC_T_B&C=Nature+Clinical+Practice+Urology

Journal Name: Nature Clinical Practice Urology
Volume: 2
Issue: 1
First Page: 38

Thank you for your time and have a Great Day.
Kallum

This was followed 5 minutes later by another email from the same guy:

Hello again Ms. Kidd,

Forgot to put the year of that article on which is 2005.

cheers
Kallum

Now, I am perhaps a little on the gullible side on occasions, and have a tendency to believe things that my friends tell me - failing to understand why they would intentionally tell me a lie (but that's another story). However, I also consider myself reasonably savvy when it comes to recognizing an email scam (after some coaching from Bryan and other geek friends). For example when I received an email this morning from TD Canada Trust asking me to click on a link and verify my banking details, I gave it no more thought as I sent it to the trash. And I almost never reply to Nigerian bank managers requesting permission to store millions of dollars in my bank account.

But for some reason the email from Kallum seemed vaguely legit - perhaps it was the follow up email that made me think it was above board (because email scams would never involve a follow up email, right?). Or maybe it was the fact that he talked about universities and journal articles (academics are never involved in email scams, right?). So then with little further thought, I STUPIDLY clicked on the link on the first email, just to see what kind of article he was trying to get hold of. Not 10 nanoseconds after I clicked the link I regretted it and tried to close down my browser before it could open the link. Luckily I was saved by my browser requiring a password (I was at work), so I hit cancel and the link couldn't open.

I talked about it with Bryan last night and we both agreed that it was highly suspicious email and I should never click on links in highly suspicious emails. But I couldn't help thinking that it wasn't a scam, but just a really stupid email from a really stupid person. So this morning I forwarded the emails to Bryan to see what he thought of them. At the same time I googled some keywords from the link, the journal name, Kallum's full name, email address etc. It didn't turn up anything that indicated it was a scam. In fact it appeared Kallum was a grad student from Lakehead University (never heard of it!), despite using a UGuelph email address. It all looked pretty legit, and Bryan agreed that it did appear to be legit, but seriously misguided.

It's not uncommon for me to receive an email from someone looking for a copy of an article that I have written, but this article has absolutely nothing to do with me, and isn't even in my research area. I don't understand how or why he would randomly email someone at a UBC email address to ask them to send him an article from the UBC library. And why did he have to randomly email someone on behalf of a friend? Maybe his friend thought that randomly emailing people was a dumb idea, in which case Kallum should have listened. Hasn't he ever heard of interlibrary loans or document delivery? And how could he assume that I was "Ms. Kidd" rather than Dr. Kidd? I could have been the V-P for all he knew! (Although I admit I am sensitive about that, having had a major Vancouver news station discuss my research and refer to me only as "Sarah"). Why did Kallum think that a total stranger would feel like clicking on the link in his email and then go to the trouble of finding a journal article and sending it to him. What kind of person would click on a link in a strange email ?! *Ahem*

Now if anyone who is more scam-savvy than me can tell me anything about this then I'm all ears. Is it a scam that I almost fell for, or just some stupid grad student?



P.S. Blair, can you see how this post has nothing at all to do with weddings? See I can talk about other things sometimes.

Is this what I'm supposed to be working on for the next 93 days?

Yes that's right, 93 days until my wedding. Gaah! I have enough to do without worrying about the atmosphere of the toilets at the venue!

But am I meant to be more concerned? This article from The Knot seems to suggest that I am a terrible host if I do not put candles, pot pourri, colour co-ordinated dye in the toilet water, shoe polish and a sewing kit into the loos.

Sites & Locations: Restrooms 101

The powder room. The loo. The lounge. It's where ladies convene to reapply their lipstick and men to check their combover. We'll tell you where to get extra toilets and how many you'll need, tips to keep them clean during the soiree, and how to make your guests feel at home when they, well, go. At a wedding, this is the one place everyone will visit at least once. Make it a memorable trip. Give your guests the royal flush!

EAU DE TOILETTE
Want decorative ways to keep the bathrooms smelling fresh as daisies? Bring in bowls or baskets of potpourri to keep around the sinks. If you had pew bouquets during the ceremony, have someone (perhaps one of your ushers), take them to the reception site. Add two to each restroom. Scented candles with votives can add a romantic feel and also eliminate odors.

AMENITIES BASKET
You've got your emergency wedding kit, shouldn't your guests have one as well? Throw together an amenities basket for the men's and women's rooms. It will be helpful when a guy needs shoe polish and a gal needs a safety pin. It also shows your guests you thought about them at every turn.

For the Ladies:
Pick up a wicker basket at a local craft shop and throw in these must-have goodies:
Hand lotion, tampons, perfume, safety pins, a comb, bobby pins, hairspray, mints, yummy hand soap, tissues, hairspray, needle and thread, aspirin, mouthwash, and clear nail polish (for runs in stockings).

For the Gents:
A man could use any of these items over the course of a wedding. Using a smaller wicker basket for these items (let's face it, guys are definitely lower maintenance), include a lint roller, spray deodorant, mints, mouthwash, toothpicks, a comb, and condoms (hey, you never know).

PORTABLE POTTIES
Unless your outdoor location (or home) has an unusual number of facilities, you may want to rent port-o-potties. You may not believe it, but they can be just as pleasant as real bathrooms! Make sure you keep them fully stocked with toilet paper (you may want to hire someone to make sure they're kept squeaky clean. Ask your reception contact for names of cleaning people). If the reception site doesn't have toilets, figure on one potty per 50 people. Check out www.toilets.com or call 1-888-PORTA-JOHN.

ADD A PERSONAL TOUCH
Instead of ugly brown paper towels, have your guests dry their hands with personalized napkins (in your wedding colors, of course). Check out The Knot Wedding Supplies Store for personalized matches and napkins

DIM ALL THE LIGHTS, SWEET DARLIN'
Most bathrooms offer an unflattering fluorescent light. The last thing you (or your guests) want is to walk into a room that shows every little blemish and dark circle. You can opt to take out the bulbs and replace them with a softer incandescent light, such as pink. Or, keep the lights off and light the way with sensual candles.

GOING ALL OUT?
Really love your wedding colors? Add coordinating dye to the toilet water. Fill the bathroom floor with rose petals. Play your ceremony music on CD. Reception hall doesn't come with restroom attendants? Hire your own private Jeeves.


Seriously? Are you kidding me? Listen up wedding guests, if you want pink lightbulbs in the bathrooms feel free to bring your own!

I'm a terrible bride.

Congratulations on finding a tasteful greetings card

I spent half an hour in the newsagency this morning looking for a 'Congratulations on your new baby' card that wasn't designed by Anne Geddes. I have nothing against her, but its not to my taste and it certainly isn't to my sister's taste (the intended recipient of the baby card). I find them a little Halloweenish, when babies are dressed up as bees, flowers, pumpkins, etc.

I finally found a card that I thought was appropriate, but not before I stumbled on this:

Why on earth would anyone buy a card picturing Celine Dion with a baby shoved up her dress? Its a bit creepy looking if you ask me. Especially since its not her baby (I'm not aware that she's had any babies recently). Is it just me?

Latest wedding fashions

These photos weren't taken from an 80's era wedding magazine. These fashions have appeared on catwalks in the last two weeks.


From Karl Lagerfeld's Bridal collection at Barcelona Bridal Week fashion show, lace adorned fingerless gloves a la Madonna. I've never understood how gloves can work in a wedding when there are rings involved. Although I suppose it would be possible to put the ring on while wearing fingerless gloves and let it hide under the lace (ick). I don't mind the dress though.


Not sure who designed this tux, which doesn't completely offend me. But the groom DOES NOT NEED A BOUQUET!! Especially one made of cotton balls!!! Oooh sorry about that, I think I just had a touch of Bridezilla. But its true, grooms feel silly enough with a buttonhole, without handing them an armspray. Bryan threatened me with an annulment if I do anything like this to him. And look, that model looks like he's about to pull a semi-automatic out of that thing and shoot everyone. You can see the anger in his eyes.

Look out, she's going on a rant

I have something to say.
I've been meaning to say it for some time now.
Here it is.

"Irregardless" IS NOT A WORD!!!!!

Stop saying it!

Try "irrespective" or "regardless"
BUT DON'T COMBINE THEM INTO ONE WORD BECAUSE ITS WRONG AND I WILL KICK YOU IN THE KNEES!!!

*ahem*

Oh, apparently Wikipedia has this whole argument covered already. And there I was thinking I was alone in this peeve. Still, I wanted to get it off my chest.

Irregardless Trivia, as seen on Wiki:
In a second season episode of American Dad, Steve Smith and Roger the alien make fun of Stan Smith when he uses the term. Steve remarks "Irregardless? That's not even a real word. You're affixing the negative prefix 'irr-' to 'regardless', but, as 'regardless' is already negative, it's a logical absurdity!"

Live and die by the gun

From The Age, April 19 2007

The right to bear arms is enshrined in US politics and culture. The latest massacre will do nothing to change that, writes Gwynne Dyer.

YOU can imagine lots of countries where a candidate for the presidency might lie about owning a gun so as not to alienate the voters, but only in the United States would he lie and say he does own a gun when he doesn't.

That was Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney's sin earlier this year — and he compounded it by claiming that he was a lifelong hunter. Diligent reporters checked and found that Romney had never taken out a hunting licence anywhere. (Where were they when President Bush claimed that Saddam Hussein had "weapons of mass destruction"?)

The notion that the voters might punish a candidate for not owning a gun would seem simply bizarre in most jurisdictions, but it is a serious political reality in the United States. That's why hardly anybody in the US is using the latest mass slaughter by some enraged loser (33 dead at Virginia Tech) to argue for more gun control. There's not even pressure to renew the federal law banning the sale of assault rifles, which was recently allowed to lapse.

Gun control is a dead issue in the US, and it isn't coming back. There is a sound political reason for this, and there is also a rational explanation for it (which isn't the same thing). The political reason was simplicity itself: the Democratic Party realised that it wasn't going to win back a majority in either house of Congress if it didn't stop talking about gun control. The party's leaders looked at the political map after the 2004 election, a sea of Republican red with a narrow strip of Democratic blue on either coast, and realised that their problem was more than just George Bush's fatal charm. They weren't winning in "heartland" states because they were seen as trying to take Americans' guns away.

There are other issues even in Montana, of course, but enough people care passionately about their guns in Montana that it's hard to get elected there if you are seen as anti-gun. So now the Democratic Party's national platform commits it to uphold the Second Amendment — the right to keep and bear arms — and in the 2006 election it won both the Senate seat that was being contested in Montana and the governorship of the state, for decades a Republican stronghold.

The campaign manifesto of the new Democratic senator from Montana, Jon Tester, claimed that he would "stand up to anyone — Republican or Democratic — who tries to take away Montanans' gun rights".

The new Democratic Governor of Montana, Brian Schweizer, says that he has "more guns than I need but not as many as I want … I guess I kind of believe in gun control: you control your gun, and I'll control mine." It's a whole new image for Democrats, and it won them control of both houses of Congress in 2006. (Yes, the war helped, too, but by itself it wouldn't have been enough.)

The Democrats were not going to lose the coastal states (where the effete intellectuals and most of the old urban working class live) even if they did drop gun control. They were not going to win in the heartland (where the born-agains and the Marlboro Men live) if they didn't drop gun control. So they dropped it, and now no large party supports it. That's the politics of it, and you can't argue with that.

There is another, quite rational reason why gun control doesn't get much traction in American politics any more. It's simply too late. This is a society that owns about equal numbers of wristwatches and guns: about a quarter-billion of each. There's no going back — and if practically everybody else has guns, maybe you should have one, too.

As various commentators will be pointing out soon, if just one of those 32 murdered students had been carrying a concealed handgun maybe the killer would have been stopped sooner. It's perfectly legal to carry concealed weapons with a permit in Virginia, but not on college campuses.

This loophole must be closed. At least, that is the way the argument is usually put in America, although the reality is not one gun per citizen over the age of 12, but some citizens with a great many guns and most citizens with none at all.

More fundamentally, the gun-control argument may be missing the cultural point. Most Swiss and Israeli households with a male between the ages of 18 and 45 also contain a fully automatic weapon, because the national military mobilisation model in those countries requires reservists to keep their weapons at home. Yet the Swiss and Israelis don't murder one another at a higher rate than people in countries such as Britain or Turkey, where there is relatively strict gun control.

"Guns don't kill people; people kill people" is the best-known slogan of the National Rifle Association, the most effective pro-gun lobbying organisation in the US. But it's really a cultural thing: the British have bad teeth, the French smell of garlic, Americans tend to have more bullet-holes in them than other people. The slogan should actually go: "Guns don't kill Americans; Americans kill Americans."

---
And in a related article: Bush defends the right to bear arms

Pachelbel Rant

Yesterday I was mulling over potential wedding music. I have been mulling over this for a while now, because I would rather slit my wrists than walk down the aisle to Wagner's Bridal Chorus (better known as Here Comes the Bride). What are the alternatives? Well I do quite like Pachelbel's Canon in D major (Ever since I first watched Father of the Bride)and would be happy enough to walk down the aisle to that. Except, that not long ago I discovered that my brother-in-law, Simon, thinks Pachelbel is synonymous with tacky weddings. What to do? I can't have Simon going on for years about the tackiest wedding he ever went to being mine. (Well, Simon, I'm not the one who walked down the aisle - albeit accidentally- to the sinking ship song. Actually neither did you, it was my dear sister who had the honour)

Anyway, I haven't made any decision's about wedding music yet, but here's a funny video I found on YouTube today, that made me think of Simon.



And by the way Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, you stole my first dance song, and now I hate you more than ever.

The highs and heartbreak of Valentine's Day

From The Age, Feb 14 2006

Love it. Loathe it. You can't avoid it.

Defining love is a slippery task, much like skinning an eel or holding a live swordfish while having your photograph taken. History is full of poets, artists and writers who have gallantly attempted - and utterly failed - to capture the mystery and majesty of love. Then again, this lot also had trouble remembering when bin night was, so who are they?

The only person to succeed in the endeavour was famed English writing guy William Shakespeare who, after decades of rumination, finally captured the very essence of love in a few simple words that were eloquent, powerful and universally resonant. Unfortunately, the day he did this was the same day construction began next door on four mock-Georgian townhouses and he was too busy arguing with the builders about the noise to jot it down, so we'll never know what he came up with.

Thus it is we turn to Valentine's Day as that one time of the year when we choose to express our affection for one another through the medium of flowers, imported chocolates, expensive dinners and glossy cards with the word "shag" on them.

To some people, Valentine's Day is a matter of life and death. That is, if their partner forgets, they'll kill them. Yet a large percentage of lovers neglect their romantic obligations and leave it to the very last possible minute to arrange something. Although these people come from all levels of society and thus defy easy categorisation, they can, in general, broadly be described as "men".

Precisely why it is that women place much more importance on Valentine's Day than men do remains a mystery. It may have something to do with how women crave romance and emotional connection in relationships, while men only seek somebody to remind them when it is bin night.

Also, the male brain is genetically predisposed to regard romance as a means of acquiring sex, whereas the female brain regards sex as something the male brain won't be getting any of unless he makes good with the five-star hotel package deal and two tickets to the opera.

It is extremely rare for men to receive cards on Valentine's Day, but if they do they must never, ever throw them out or lose them, no matter what. They must file the card away so that if the subject ever comes up it can be produced at a moment's notice as proof of his undying love. This will both ensure the stability of the relationship and secure the man's right to watch TV in peace.

Many long-term relationships are severely tested on Valentine's Day, for it is on this day when men will ask their partners for "special favours". This is usually stuff they won't even ask for on their birthdays. This raises the eternal question: can the romantic and the erotic co-exist? If the answer is "Yes", an even more pressing question arises: how do you hide rope burns during a board meeting?

The digital age has ushered in a new era of romantic expression and with it a whole new vocabulary as people send their Valentine's Day messages via SMS text. This is where people express the fathomless depths of their love through the medium of abbreviation. These are usually a variation of "I LUV U!" or "I SO LUV U!" or, even simply, "LUV YA!". To emphasise the sincerity of the message, "luv" will often be spelt "wuv", as in "I WUV U!". Anyone in a relationship with a person capable of sending such a message should immediately reply with "U R DROPT" and head to the nearest singles bar.

For some, Valentine's Day merely serves to remind them of how lonely and unloved they feel. These dejected souls employ many tactics to lift their sorry spirits, the most famous of which is the traditional sending of flowers to themselves in the office and then acting all surprised when the "anonymous" bouquet arrives. The ruse is typically uncovered by midafternoon, however, when they are found locked in the ladies room whimpering Jewel lyrics to themselves.

Thus it is that so many people remain cynical about Valentine's Day. They consider it a vulgar commercialisation of romance that degrades the very concept of true love. This view is held by people from all walks of life - astronauts, produce wholesalers, forklift operators, anaesthetists - yet they all invariably have one thing in common: none of them will be seeing any action tonight.

We got our stuff!!!

On July 28th of this year Bryan and I packed up our belongings in Vancouver and sent them off to Melbourne. We used a shipping company called Bekins Worldwide, who were quite good from their end of things. It wasn't nearly as expensive as I thought it could be, and the service we got in having the stuff picked up from our house was excellent. Really, I have no quarrels with Bekins.

Bekins told us that the shipment would take 10-12 weeks, so we predicted we would have our stuff in Melbourne by mid-October. With that in mind we carefully planned what we would pack in the shipment based upon we could and couldn't live without for that length of time. October came, and there was no sign of our stuff.

When you move to somewhere new and leave behind everything and everyone that you know, there is a grieving process of sorts. Despite the shipment containing only material goods, these were items that we were familiar with and associated with home. Without them we haven't felt like we had a home, and it has felt very difficult at times to settle in to life in Melbourne. Anyone can put up with this kind of thing for a few weeks, but after a while it gets very tiring. This was especially the case for Bryan, who had lost most of the stuff he had brought to Australia with him, when his 30 kg suitcase was lost in transit. Being burgled was also not helpful.

Anyway, we called Bekins, who put us in touch with the Melbourne based-company* who would be receiving our shipment, getting it through Customs and Quarantine and delivering it to our door. A guy called Mark# was our contact for that company. In general we found Mark was rarely able to answer questions without having to consult someone else, and rarely returned our phone calls. What Mark did tell us, was that our shipment had been delayed, and rather than chugging towards Australia, as it was scheduled to be by October, it was in fact, sitting in Hong Kong and had been for some time. Mark did not know when the shipment would be departing Hong Kong for Australia. But he estimated that we might be able to have our stuff by early November.

November came, and our shipment had in fact arrived in Sydney. Hurrah! Bryan followed up with Mark on a daily basis on the progress of our stuff through Customs and Quarantine (mainly because it took about 3 consecutive days of phone calls to Mark, to get any response) . After a few days we heard that our stuff had cleared customs and quarantine with no problems, and all that remained was for it to be delivered to our house. Things were surely looking up! That was around mid-November. We felt sure that we would have our things by the end of November and would be all unpacked and organised by the time our friends Rhonda and Carly arrived to spend a few weeks with us in December.

After a week, we had heard nothing about the delivery of our stuff. Bryan made some calls. Eventually we found out that the stuff was stuck in Sydney because the Melbourne-based company dealing with it did not have a truck going to Sydney until December 8th. We were at wits end but agreed that we could wait until then, given that we had waited all this time.

Mark told us that we would have our stuff delievered on December 12th. He confirmed this with us on two separate occasions. December 12th was the day that Rhonda and Carly were arriving, and I really didn't want to have boxes all over the house when they arrived. But I thought that maybe we could unpack some of the stuff and organise the boxes in to some kind of orderly arrangement in the time before they arrived. We were excited and organised to take some time off work to be at home for the delivery and to start unpacking. On the morning of December 12th I called Mark to find out what time our stuff would be delivered. Mark wasn't at work, but a bloke named Barry# (who is unlikely ever to be given an award for his customer service skills) told us, after considerable coaxing, that the truck with our stuff was still only halfway to Melbourne, and we would not be receiving our shipment that day. Its lucky we called to enquire, because I really don't think Mark was planning to let us know. Despite organising time off work for that day, Bryan and I went to work where we could at least be useful. Later that day, Mark called to tell us that we would be getting our stuff the following day, around 3-4 pm. So we arranged our schedules so we could be at home around 3-4 pm the following day.

At 5pm the following day, having received no deliveries, we called Mark. A receptionist answered the phone, told us that Mark had gone home for the day and that apparently there had been another delay with the delivery. We told her that the delay had not escaped our notice, and it would have been nice if someone had let us know about it before we took more time off work. Bryan and I started to consider the possibility of invoicing this half-arsed company for our wasted time.

The next morning, we caled Bekins in Vancouver to file a complaint about the service we were getting from the company that they had subcontracted to handle our shipment in Australia. They were very understanding and promised to take action. Half an hour later, I was sitting on a tram heading to work (as was Bryan), when Mark called me, possibly in response to action taken by Bekins. Mark told me our stuff was on its way to our house at that very moment, which was not actually a good thing, considering we were both heading in the opposite direction to home. I called Bryan to let him know he should turn around and go home to receive the stuff. About 4 hours later, Bryan called me at work to tell me the stuff had just been delivered to our house, and amazingly it was all there. So lets recap that last bit: Mark tells me our stuff is already making its way to our house - a 45 -60 minute journey, depending on traffic- and 4 hours later it arrives. Bryan has again wasted a several hours. But, at least we had our stuff. And it only took 20 weeks, about twice as long as we had been told to expect.

And now, we can start to feel like we have a home.


Footnotes
* I will not mention the name of the company at this stage, because they do not deserve to have their name mentioned in any context. If you want to know which company should NOT to handle your moving in Australia, ask me and I'll tell you.

# Names may or may not be changed.

An old-fashioned guide for being a good spouse

Here are some good tips for every married woman to keep in mind. The authenticity of this article hasn't been determined but it is hilarious nonetheless. Unless you are very good at reading tiny writing, click on the image to see it full sized:

Obviously I will bear all of this advice in mind when my time to be a wife comes, and more than likly ignore it. But since every good wife needs a good husband, here's a Good Husband's Guide that I found online:

* Always make getting and keeping a full-time job with regular raises, benefits, bonuses and the potential for prestigious advancement your number one priority in life. Remember always that you have a wife and children who need your financial support, and that it is your responsibility to provide for them to the best of your ability.
* Always arrive home refreshed and happy - put your bad day or your confrontation with your boss, the traffic, the crowds or the physical exhaustion you might feel aside and try to arrive home as cheery and lighthearted as you possibly can. Your wife has been struggling with the children and the housework all day, she does not need to hear about how bad your day was.
* Be prepared to help with household chores when you get home - let your wife relax or talk on the phone since she has been dealing with these problems all day. Make supper for her often, and offer to clean up afterwards so that she may rest and feel appreciated.
* Do not bore your wife with stories of the troubles you faced at work today. Remember that you are lucky to have a job and that many other men would be happy to trade places with you. Remember that it is not masculine to complain or let worries trouble you. Your job is to provide, and whatever you must go through to achieve this is part of your lot in life. A good husband knows that he is lucky to have a wife at all, and that a woman wants a strong, silent man she can depend on.
* Never expect your wife to have contributed to the smooth operation of the household. She has had a busy day and cannot be expected to provide meals or clean clothes for you. Never insult her by asking her to do such things while you're out earning money. Be mindful always that your wife may think you are being sexist if you ask her to help make a home for your family as part of your partnership.
* Be prepared to account for your whereabouts every minute of the day, including an explanation as to why you were away from the phone when she tried to call or why you were unable to chat with her for twenty minutes when she did get through to you. You must always put her interests first, and be mindful of her natural suspicion about her husband's activities. A good husband knows that men can't be trusted, and that a wife has every reason to believe you will hurt and humiliate her.
* Do not grumble or gripe about handing over your paycheque to her - she is in control of your finances and knows better than you how to spend or invest your money. Never assume that the money you earn is yours to do with as you will - you have a family to think about now, and their needs must always come before your own.
* Listen avidly to your wife's complaints. She leads a hectic life and needs to feel listened to and appreciated. Never suggest ways in which she might solve whatever problem is vexing her. You need only listen; your suggestions are likely insensitive and unfeeling anyway. And do not counter with complaints of your own. She would love to have the chance to leave the house and work, she does not need to hear about how difficult your job is.
* Be prepared to give up your weeknights or weekends to whatever projects or socializing your wife has in mind. If she has determined that cleaning out the garage or painting the upstairs bathroom would be the best use of your time, never complain that you would like to relax or pursue personal interests instead. She has every right to expect that you will make repairs to the house or help her redecorate during your time off. Do not be so selfish as to ask for personal time. You are a family man now, you do not have the luxury of personal time.
* Always be prepared to take over in caring for the children when you get home from work. Your wife has been busy all day and deserves some quiet time. Allow her to watch television or chat with her friends on the phone, go shopping or simply relax. They are your children too, and it is unfair of you to expect to come home from a twelve hour day and simply put your feet up.
* Never grumble about having to support children you didn't want to have. If you were irresponsible enough to help her get pregnant, then it is your duty to pay for that child for the next eighteen years. If you decide to have sex, you must know that pregnancy may result and be fully prepared to take responsibility for it. This, of course, does not apply to her. She doesn't have to be responsible for her actions, and can abort a child she conceived any time she wants, whether this breaks your heart or not. Accept this stoically. She has the special privilege of being able to kill her unborn child, carry it to term and give it up for adoption, or have it and raise it all by herself if she wants, but you have the responsibility of simply living with whatever choice she makes and quite often paying for it, too. Remember, you have no right to be a parent and no right not to be a parent, you are just a man. A good husband knows his place.

Truly delusional

Here's a headline that just caught my attention: "Karr wants Depp for movie role". That's right, it seems that John Mark Karr, the guy who wishes he was the killer of 6 year old JonBenet Ramsey, wants a movie made about himself and JonBenet, with Johnny Depp in the lead role. Ha! Apparently Johnny's people haven't responded, and I'm pretty certain they won't. Which is a shame because Karr reckons the movie could rake in a billion dollars. I think Billy Ray Cyrus might be a more appropriate in the role actually.

Language barriers

Moving back to Australia has (on the whole) been a good decision so far, despite various problems that just never seem to end.
But let me tell you about the problems I’m facing with my accent. My accent is getting very confused, and so are the people that have to interpret the words coming out of my mouth. It started off as a northern England accent many years ago and along the way has picked up bits of Australian , and most recently bits of Canadian (although no Brit, Australian or Canadian would be able to identify with my accent). In different places that I’ve lived I have had to adjust my pronunciation of certain words in order to make myself understood (and I’m not talking about tom-ay-toes and tom-ar-toes here, because I refuse to get into that).
There are several examples, but let’s discuss coffee for a moment, in particular mocha, which I am prone to ordering on a fairly regular basis. In Australia they pronounce ‘mocha’ with a short vowel sound, which would rhyme with ‘locker’. In North America it is pronounced with a long vowel sound, rhyming with ‘poker’. It didn’t take me long to adjust the pronunciation of that word when I arrived in Vancouver – it was a necessity because they didn’t understand what I was asking for otherwise. But back in Australia I am having immense struggles remembering to order it with the short vowel sound – it just sounds too weird to me now and I can’t believe I ever pronounced it that way before. The other day I asked for a mocha but accidentally pronounced it with a long vowel sound. The girl taking my order looked confused for a second but then set to work making it. However, a mocha she did not make. In fact I ended up being served a latte! How can she think that I asked for latte? It doesn't sound anything like mocha no matter how you say it. This morning I again asked for a mocha with a long vowel, and I got a very blank look from the barista. He just stared at me and after about 5 seconds said, "I don’t think we serve that". So, realising my mistake, I tried asking for a mocha with a short vowel, and he told me that they did make those.

A bit more whingeing

In the interests of keeping everyone up to speed, here's a few more obstacles we're having to get past.
When we signed the lease on our house we opted into a scheme called Direct Connect (hereafter to be referred to as DC), where one phone call from them to us was supposedly all that was required to set up our phone, internet, electricity, water, and natural gas connections. In theory its a great concept as we didn’t really have to lift a finger and it cost us nothing. However, we assumed that the person at DC would actually set up the connections correctly, and that was a poor assumption to make.
First off, internet connection. DC signed us up for ADSL broadband with one of the larger IPs in Australia. We were asked if we needed a modem and we said no, because we’d brought one over from Canada with us. Then, a couple of days a go I received a phone call from the IP to let us know that out modem would be delivered to us by the end of the week. I told her that we hadn’t ordered a modem. She seemed surprised and we argued about this for several minutes – she couldn’t comprehend that we might already have a modem, probably because broadband is still a relatively new concept in Australian residential internet. In the end she said she would cancel the order. A few minutes later I got a call from DC to say that the IP had informed them that we had refused connection of our internet service. I told DC that in fact we had not refused connection, just the modem. DC went back to the IP and explained the situation, and then called me back and said everything was sorted out. I went home and checked my credit card account online to discover a $227 payment to the IP. I called the IP and asked what the payment was for, and they said it included the cost of modem they had sent us. Exasperated, I explained the situation and was told that they would refund the cost of the modem to my credit card, which has not yet happened. And the final straw...this morning a courier arrived with a package from the IP, in which was a modem. We didn't accept it of course.

The other thing DC got wrong was that they didn’t set up our natural gas connection, despite telling us that it had been done. I discovered this when we received an overdue notice for the previous tenants’ natural gas. It appears that DC saw that our house already had a gas connection and left it at that. So we have unwittingly been using someone else’s natural gas for the last few weeks. I’m not sure we’ve actually got to the heart of the problems that could arise from this yet. I do know that I’m not paying a cent towards someone else’s bill though.

quick thought

Not very original, but on my mind nevertheless.

Those who can, do.

Those who can’t, teach.

Those who can’t, preach.